Marriage and "Bus Stops"- A quick overview of solving marital conflict.
Imagine your marriage as a journey, and sometimes there are bus stops. You and your spouse might feel like you aren’t going anywhere, and once things start moving, you both get off the bus. It’s crucial that you both use this pause to openly communicate what's on your mind and heart. Take this opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings without fear, and work together to move forward in your journey.
Create safe spaces where you can share your thoughts and feelings without fear of retaliation or abandonment. It is possible to have a safe space even when there is tension as long as both follow a set of rules of engagement, agreed upon during times of peace.
Do Not Assume
Some conflict resolution tools may have worked in past bus stops, but it may not work now. As individuals, you're both growing and changing. Whether this growth leads you down a healthy path depends on how well you work together, and understand the emotional, mental and physical “updates” of each other lives. Embrace grace, forgiveness, understanding, and emotional awareness for both your spouse and yourself through wins, hardships, and unexpected changes. Have you ever thought to yourself about your spouse, “Wow, you’ve changed”?
This perspective helps you see that your spouse is human, just like you, and they are allowed to change and grow. The best part of this mindset is that you get to be there for your spouse, even when they change for the worse. Since you are “one,” you may need to make some internal changes too. Remember, you are both in the same married life together, on the same bus, the same ship.
Do Not Take Offense
When someone speaks up, they should do so at a time that is best for both, not just themselves. Many marital conflicts begin because one person speaks a necessary truth but does so in an unhealthy manner, while the other is not prepared to hear it, leading to defensiveness.
Boundaries are okay even in marriages.
Respect boundaries when they are set. (Boundaries can be set in "times of conflict or in times of peace) In the journey of healing, restoration, and conflict resolution, understand that each person can choose to react, reflex, or respond:
React: This is an emotional, physical, or mental (Acute stress response activated) caused by an unmet need. If you are not aware what your acute stress response is and how to manage it, this might be a good starting point for you.
Reflex: This is acting out of habit, not necessarily because you feel or think the same as before with the current topic at hand. This step requires the person recognizing they said or did something unhealthy in a manner they used to do , apologize and choose to do something different. The devil is most active during this stage of growing in healthy communication. Pride is also pounding to come out. Do not let it. Seek God for strength. Pray for each other.
Respond ( this is the goal): This is becoming emotionally aware and communicating your needs in a healthy way. You know your origin points of what you're feeling but instead of reacting you respond healthy. You are meeting your needs whether through spouse or self, you are respecting your spouse , you also recognize you are safe to feel how you feel in a healthy way. By recognizing these behaviors, you can better understand your spouse and yourself and work together towards a healthier, more supportive relationship. You both start working as a team, while reinforcing your identity in Christ as one.
This information may not address every marriage issue, but for most of the couples I have counseled, these insights have provided essential stepping stones toward resolving marital conflict and overcoming stagnation. They can help you move towards a life you can enjoy together. If any of these points resonated with you and you need further guidance, please don’t hesitate to ask or reach out for support.
Much Love
-Elias Da Hora
https://www.therapeacecounseling.org/meeteliasdahorajr
Marital Counseling | Marriage counseling | Family Counseling | Marriage Therapy | Christian Counseling
